Hello Everyone!! Welcome to the week 9 power rankings of the upton bowl 2023 season!! 😀👋 I hope you’re all having a good weekend 😊🌟🎉🎈🎆🎇🎊 :3
Without further ado, lets kick it off with the worst of the worst!
That’s right!!! Its Jake!!! Sorry buddy, but in a league where we are all 4-4 you happen to be the only one with a number larger than ‘5’ in your W/L list, and it happens to be on the wrong side. Also, least in PF and most in PA, it truly is an off-year for the boy in the East.
11/10. In next to last place, perhaps the worst spot to be in because it’s not looking great but also you’re not the biggest underdog, or in very last where everyone looks with pity. This is simply the purgatory of the rankings. I’m combing 10 and 11 as I feel these players are in pretty similar positions in different divisions of the league, and I don’t really want to rank one above the other.
Chirs!
Sam Howell is doing good! Also go Hawks! Other than that, Chris’s team is simply not putting up numbers, and if it weren’t for being in the same division as Jake he would be last. But, that’s how being next to last works I guess.
What can I say, he’s last place in the middle place division. Not exactly inspiring confidence with his 2nd least PF, I don’t exactly see the likes of Mac Jones and Jerome Ford really steppin it up and carrying him upward as the season heads into its later stages
Boring Tier!
Hey, I’m in 7-9th place in my fantasy football league! Yeah, ok buddy, I’m very interested in this conversation. (<3 you all)
9. Justino!
So Rook was supposed to give us something… Has that happened yet? I haven’t noticed anything remarkable about his season. Diggs is doing Diggs things, and Kenneth Walker has been great. Josh Jacobs hasn’t done anything noteworthy and those first few Burrow duds were killer. Obviously I like your pick with Goff, and I think that was a great value pick in the draft.
But actually, Justin happens to be 2nd in his division, but only because it also has two of the 3 people above him on this list. He got lucky there.
8. Daltino
Hey I know what you’re thinking, 5-3 this low on the list!? I know Dalton keeps saying he’s unlucky by being in the best (my) division, but really he somehow has 2nd least PA, and I think if it weren’t for that he’d be doing a little worse than he currently is. Really, I think he could be anywhere from 6th- here so I wouldn’t take this rank too harshly
7. Alex
Fly Alex fly! To the below-average spot in the power rankings! You know what they say, shoot for the stars, if you miss you can say you tried. Gardner Minshew and Dan Jones! EW!
The Middle Management Tier
That’s right, you’ve made it to the above-average tier! The Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 / original Ant-Man / Captian America: Civil War members of the group!
6. Toronto
Honestly I could probably put myself in 6th, but I’m in a harder division and have a better record AND I’M WRITTING THE RANKINGS SUCK IT TRENT you’re right in the thick of it with a chance to take out the Commish himself, will you do it or will you run through the 605 with your woes
5. Marcus
Could I really put a team last in it’s division in the top 4!? I feel like Marcus could be there, but not with the current standings. He’s last in the best (my) division, so he’s still up here with the cool kats, but he’s gotta get out of the middling 4-4 bunch to make it to the top.
4. Corduroy Pete (Me)
2nd place in the hardest (my) division!? Well how bout that. IDK if I can keep it up but boy am I tryin!
S Tier
These guys play dance dance revolution like this
3. Nicko Mode
After your slander from last week I can’t believe that I’m putting you this high but here you go champ. You’re first in your stinky doo-doo division so maybe I should’ve bumped you down but 1st is 1st. *Sigh*
2. Mason?
How the hell did you get up here? No one on your team is top 10 at their position other than Mark Andrews? Seriously how? Guess we see the advantages of a high floor team here folks
1. GIRLBOSS GASLIGHT GATEKEEP
DAMMNNNNN first place in the hardest (my) division?? Ok that’s some girlboss material. Not making any waiver wire transactions till now and then bidding high enough no one else can get players? So Gatekeep girl. Making people think you’re bad at fantasy and then popping off? So gaslight. We <3 to see it
The date was September 5th, Year 30 AK (‘After Kate’ uptons birth idk man.) Dalton Genzlinger awoke from his slumber, excitement coursing through his veins as he remembered, today was the day. Today was the day he gets to draft Jonathan Tailor 1st overall in the Upton Bowl draft. “This is my year!” he exclaimed, his wife groaning in agitation next to him. She was supportive, but deep in his heart Dalton knew that no woman could possibly understand the full gravity of what was going to transpire in only a few short hours. Sure, she may have just aquired a PhD or whatever, but anyone could do that, really, whereas to win in fantasy football in the WTBB Kate Upton league was an acheivement that only a select few had ever had the honor of acheiving. Taking one last moment to savor the feeling of the start of draft day, Dalton hopped out of bed and logged into his computer to yell at strangers on League of Legends.
Standings Overview (thank you Nick for template)
Cool Upton Members
Division 2
Division 3
Jake 2-3
Cory 3-2
Trent 4-1
Chris 2-3
Kylie 4-1
Mason 4-1
Justin 2-3
Marcus 1-4
Alex 4-1
Nick 2-3
Dalton 0-5
Jay 2-3
Cool Upton Members lookin like the NFC West over here
Now for the Rankings
12) Dalton | 0-5 | 491.71 PF (oof) | 639.12 PA
What can ya say, Dalto’s team has had a real struggle of it so far, and it appears that it has no intentions of getting off the bus. From losing Robert Edwards early to just having some weaker QB’s in general with the likes of Rick Mirer and Dave Brown, Dalton is going to have to do quite a bit to turn this year around. Best of luck to ya pal.
11) Justin | 2-3 | 537.98 PF | 636.35 PA
I’m sorry Justin, putting you down here in the doldrums due to the fact that you have the 2nd least points for and are thus firmly at the bottom of your division where everyone somehow as the same record (despite a 200 PF difference wat.) Justin’s team looks like the Looney Tunes before they drank Michaels Secret Stuff. All the pieces are there hes just gotta put em’ together.
10) Jay | 2-3 | 569.56 PF | 564.12 PA
Watching Jays team play is like watching Friends play football. I haven’t actually done it and I don’t really want to. Kamara is back which should really help this team, but otherwise idk what is really going on here. 10th place.
9) Marcus | 1-4 | 534.61 PF | 715.31 PA (tough)
Aw man tough stuff for our Boy Marcus. I like his team a lot more than other folks down towards the bottom of this list but his PF is still pretty weak and the PA is an unfortunate unlucky break. I truly think that Marcus is simply suffering the bad Karma of drafting Watson in the draft. Gotta put more stock in the fates in the future I suppose. Marcus’s hopes of playoffs are melting like a popsicle in a toddlers hands, and I fear he’s going to be equally as disappointed.
8) Nickylodeon | 2-3 | 621.41 PF | 659.06 PA
Hey there friendo you put yourself at 8 last week and I’m putting you here again, nice work being consistent 🙂 I consider everyone at this point and above to be pretty much even as the records are so tight and the PF don’t really seem to be correlating how I would expect them to. However that being said, you are the lowest PF 2-3 team so here ya are. JK Dobbins was kinda a disappointment for ya but I’m sure he can bounce back. Your team might be a little behind on the AGGRO CRAG but I’m sure your guys have the GUTS to pull back ahead.
7) Chris | 2-3 | 659.39 PF | 689.78 PA
OH GOD NO PENNY PLEASE WHY is probably what Chris was thinking to himself on Sunday, kinda sucks for his team and the Hawks but at least unlike Chris’s team we have Kenneth Walker looking like he’s ready to ball. Chris’s RB core looks shakier by the day but hey he’s still keeping up with his division and that might be all he needs to make playoffs this year. Which if he does make playoffs with a negative division the above gif will be apt.
6) Mason | 4-1 | 661.06 PF | 612.90 PA
Whaaaaaat a 4-1 team at 6? Yeah bitnch, I said what I said. Mason is basically tied for 6th/7th at PF and he’s starting Goff and Dalton. To me this team just doesn’t scream deep playoff contender, though his record thus far may get him a wildcard slot. I think he can make some trades and really boost this team, but not if he keeps trying to swindle Dakota Prescot from me. Gimme Chase >:(
5) Alex | 4-1 | 672.72 PF | 472.1 PA
Whaaaaaat a 4-1 team at 5? Yeah bitnch, I said what I said. HOW DOES DIVISON 3 HAVE LESS PF AND HIGH RECORDS ITS NO FAIR. I mean we’re getting to the point in the list where everyone has a pretty solid team. It also really Hurts how he beat me this week. So maybe that’s why he’s down here. Hot take? Let me know in the comments down below.
Did Alex beat me this week? Does he have a better record? Do I give a fuck? The answer to all of these questions and more can be found in next weeks blog post. I’m third in points for I’m actually knocking myself DOWN a peg here ok, THIS IS MY YEAR
3) Kylie | 4-1 | 678.47 PF | 553.15 PA
See, look here, I’m a fair guy alright. I put someone in my own division above me, a girl no less. That’s feminism right there, and so honestly if any of you complain about where I ranked myself you’re actually being a bit of an anti-feminist (I don’t make the rules.) I honestly think that this is the best 4-1 team behind Trent, however some recent injuries could spell some trouble leading into the upcoming bye weeks. We’ll see how this team withstands the test of time.
2) Jake | 2-3 | 747.75 PF (1st) | 644.82 PA
Whaaaaaat a 2-3 team at 2? Yeah bitnch, I said what I said. Jake may have stolen this spot from some of you who feel you may deserve it more, but what he has also stolen in the hearts of the members of this league. Not necessarily an underdog, everyone loves to beat the guy with the most points. And somehow, that’s what they have been doing. So long as Jake keeps his most in PF stat he has to start winning some games right? Kinda feels like Russell Wilson in a certain kinda way lol.
OK OK……so I suppose that leaves…….
2) Trent | 4-1 | 711.83 PF | 594.38 PA
That’s right baby, a tie for second place. This league is so close that I don’t really want to put anyone at the true #1 spot. Yeah, Trent might be below Jake on this list, and that might make some of you think ‘well c’mon that’s effectively first place’ but no I swear to god I will re-release this list with Trent below Jake. It’s still early and this league could go any which whacky way, what happens next only our god above Katey Baby knows.
2023 Week 9 Power Ranklers!!
